"Throughout the entire marriage I knew that my husband was treating me poorly, and I would stand up for myself. But I never got anywhere. So I stopped standing up for myself. It just wasn't worth it. I would say, 'You can't talk to me like that!' He would respond, 'Yes I can, I just did. I can talk any way I want to. I have free will!'And I was stumped. Because he was right, he did have free will. We all do."
Channah's story is not unusual. Many women face confusing conversations, leaving them speechless, throwing their hands up in despair, not knowing how to respond. This particular conversation left her with questions about free will, and about how to be a supportive "Ezer keNegdo." She really wanted to be able to support him in a way that he he could hear her. Intuitively, she knew she wasn't reaching him.
After that Channah made it her business to study Free-Will, commentaries on the Story of Creation, and historical accounts of strong and influential Jewish women. During the weeks and then months that followed, she often tried to tell her husband about some of the beautiful ideas came across, or start a discussion about a concept she was struggling with. "These are the watered-down answers they give women." He say, "In Yeshiva, we learned these things in depth. If you knew what Torah really said, you wouldn't believe it."He refused to explain, or engage, and belittled her intellectual pursuits.
It was true. He had studied at Yeshiva, and knew how to study all kinds of text in Hebrew and Aramaic. And she really was only learning Hashkafa books in English. But still, She wasn't learning children's books. The books she read were about deep and meaningful topics, written by very knowledgable rabbis and teachers! She concluded that he must have felt threatened by her learning, but she loved learning so much that she wasn't about to give it up. So she stopped leaving her books in visible places. She kept one in her closet, to read at bedtime, and one with her cookbooks, to read while having her morning coffee, and one in the car to read while waiting for her kids after school. But the rest were strategically placed behind other books on the bookshelves.
This is one of the ways that Channah made herself smaller. She started to hide her interests and her learning. She hid her acquired knowledge. She felt like she was becoming a different person, almost like she was living a secret life, with her true worldview (Hashkafa) secret, while she worked as a bookkeeper, shopped, cooked, drove carpool, and did laundry.
Once she decided to give a D'var Torah at a Shabbat meal. It was beautiful, and inspirational, and connected her recent learning of Chassidus with the weekly Parsha. A long conversation followed. With guests sharing stories, ideas, and insights. But Channah noticed that her husband was just sitting back in his chair watching. And that made her worry. After the guests left and the clean up was done she finally sat down on the couch wanting to "read," or rather fall asleep over a book. But her husband came and sat down across from her. And the following conversation began: Husband: "I can't believe you did that to me, and in front of the guests too!"Channah: "Did what?" Husband: "You know what you did! You gave a D'var Torah on purpose because you know I didn't have one. You don't even understand how bad that makes me look, especially to the other male guests. Now they think I'm a loser, that I can't even give a D'var Torah - my wife has to do it because I can't..."Channah: "What are you talking about? I've been to many homes where the wife gives a D'var Torah! And those guys are your friends! They don't think badly of you!"Husband: "See? You're doing it again! You always take the other side. You never support me, don't talk to me."
He stomped away, and she was left wondering if what he said is true. Had she been too "forward?" Had she drawn too much attention to herself at the expense of her husband? She wanted to be the kind of wife who always made her husband look good. She wanted to show him in the best light possible. And of course she hadn't intended to shame him... So her nap wasn't going to happen, she couldn't even rest. Instead she took the younger kids to the park. When she got back her husband was still upset. She heard him muttering to himself as she took off her shoes. "A good wife," he muttered, "Would not just insult her husband and then leave. A good wife would make it up to her husband by resting with him on Shabbat afternoon, and doing something special that she is supposed to do for him."So now she had a clue. She felt lucky to have overheard him. Now she knew how to make it better. She went over to him, apologized, and suggested that they lay down for a little while. But that wasn't good enough. "Why would I want to be close to you after the way you treated me today? I'm leaving. I'll be back when Shabbat is over." He muttered. And left.
In this dynamic we see Channah becoming smaller and smaller, and her husband becoming bigger and bigger:
- The first indication is that she worries when he doesn't participate in the conversation. She doesn't think that he might have a headache, be tired, or otherwise pre-occupied. Her experience had taught her that his silence is a cause to worry.
- He tells her that her action (giving a D'var Torah) disrespected him. Even though she pushes back against it, she seems to have been trained to take his opinions very seriously, and to minimize her own opinions. She knew that her intention had been to share Torah and enjoy a pleasant conversation with guests, but she was willing to put aside her knowledge of herself, and take her husband's words as correct, leaving her feeling ashamed and confused.
- When she comes back from the park he mumbles loud enough for her to hear, on purpose to make her feel guilty, and then to pressure her to do something that he wants. But then he pushes her away again when she attempts to get closer to him, by the very means he had suggested! This type of manipulation is particularly demeaning because if the vulnerability that comes along with sexual initiation.
- When Channah realized that she wouldn't be able to rest, nor would she be able to work things out with her husband (he said, "don't talk to me.") she still showed up for her family, taking her younger children to the park, and at the same time creating some distance between them so she could calm down. On the other hand when her husband left, Channah got the clear message that her behavior and judgements did not render her worthy enough of his presence, and Channah learned that if she was going to be worthy of his attention she'd have to do better.
Used again and again, for years, these types of manipulative tactics eventually trained Channah to take her husband's considerations, desires, and preferences into account before considering her own. That's how she became small.
But here is the important part:This is reversible. With time, and practice, it is possible to retrain your brain, in the same way Channah did. Today Channah is a proud strong single mom to 4 teen agers. She drives a red sports car and has a big dog.