“Maybe you should speak to your Rabbi?" your well meaning friend suggests… "Are you close with your Rebbetzin or Kallah Teacher? Or maybe a mentor from seminary or high school?"
Opening up to a friend, parent, or sibling, about a difficult relationship, takes tremendous courage and strength. It means that you have already tried everything you can do for yourself. It means that you have probably read the books, attended all the workshops, and scoured the internet for hours, and you have already spoken endlessly to the one person who you trusted the most, your husband. And when you really can't think of anything else to do, you reach out for help. Because you know that you will either sink or swim. And you've already tried swimming, and you're desperately trying not to sink.
So you reach out and tell someone what's going on. But you don't tell them everything. You just tell them a little bit…. because of the shame. You may feel ashamed of what you have allowed to become normal in your life, or you may feel ashamed of admitting that you can’t fix it by yourself. Or maybe you share only a little bit because you are scared. Maybe you are scared that your friend will think you are weak, or a “doormat,” or maybe you are scared that your husband will find out that you spoke about him.
So you share a little. Maybe you share how hard it is to deal with his mood swings, but you quickly add that he really has been trying and you are grateful, and you really love him...... etc... You'r just testing the waters, to see if you can share with this person. If they will get it, or if they will be too uncomfortable and shut you down.
Maybe they are horrified, and shocked that you are in such a terrible situation (and they don’t even know the worst of it… ). They suggest (strongly) that you should speak with someone. A community leader who has knowledge and leverage. Someone who your husband will listen to. And you agree to try. And because your friend is so confident, you allow yourself to be convinced that it will help.
Or maybe the friend you open up to is really uncomfortable with your discomfort, so they minimize it, and try to make it sound normal. Maybe they say, “Yeah, my husband did something like that once, but now we laugh about it.” And you wonder how they can possibly laugh about something like that? If you’d remind your husband of that thing, he would just blame you for the whole thing (all over again) and ask why you can’t just leave the past in the past…. And when was the last time you laughed with him anyway? And then your friend adds, “But if you’re really worried, why don’t you speak to your Rabbi? I spoke with our Rabbi once and he gave me really great advice!”
So you go to the Rabbi, Rebbetzin, Kallah Teacher, or Mentor, who I am sure is a wonderful person. I am certain that you went to them because you firmly believe that they have your best interest at heart. And they probably do.
One divorced mom of 2 said, "My Rabbi was appalled when I told him how my husband treated me. He immediately scheduled a meeting with both of us. At the meeting he wagged his finger under my ex-husband's nose and said, 'Jewish husbands don't act like that!' The rabbi then mentioned some verses from Torah and Rabbinic sources about how to treat people. My husband hung his head in fake shame, and when we got home he imitated the rabbi, laughed at him, and then pretended the meeting had never happened. He knew the rabbi wouldn’t follow up with him, or be able to hold him accountable. From that day on, we both knew that he could treat me however he wanted and there would be no consequences.”
So why can't a Rabbi, Rebbetzin or mentor help? It’s not that they don’t want to. Usually they have very good intentions! It’s just that religious leaders receive religious training. They are very familiar with the Halachot (Jewish Laws) of how to treat a fellow human (and a wife), but they are not trained to recognize and categorize dysfunction or abuse. They are not trained to empower a downtrodden and mistreated spouse. They are not trained to deal with people with difficult personalities, with addiction, or with mental illness.
We don’t expect our religious leaders to be experts in special education, gluten free cooking, or financial planning, even though the Torah has plenty to say on the topics of education, nutrition, and finances. The Torah also has so much to say about marriage, relationships, building a solid Jewish home, and intimacy, and it is all valuable, beautiful, and inspiring! But Rabbis and spiritual mentors are not who we should turn to when facing specific challenges.
There are, however, a couple of things that a Rabbi, Rebbetzin, or Mentor can help with:
- They can inspire you. They can help you find the motivation to keep trying to figure things out. Spiritual leaders can be wonderful cheerleaders. They can pull from 2000 + years of Jewish values and knowledge to empower you to keep learning, to keep questioning, and to keep searching.
- They know a lot of people! Jewish community leaders meet a lot of people and hear about the work they do, and have a lot of connections. They may be able to direct you to the proper resources for your particular situation.
A word of caution for women in danger of physical abuse:
If you are at risk of physical abuse, reaching out for help can be tricky. If the mentor or spiritual leader decides to have a heart-to-heart talk with your spouse it could literally put you in danger. So please consider your situation carefully. If you would like help figuring out what to do, or who to speak with, feel free to reach out to me or contact a local women's shelter in your city. People trained to deal with abuse would never reach out to your husband. They understand the danger. Please choose a mentor or leader to speak with carefully, and make sure you trust them and their confidentiality. You may want to have someone you trust and know well reach out for you, in order to keep your identity secret. And please remember caller ID. Your name does show up on their screen when you make a phone call.