Ruhama EfronKallah Teacher & Life Coach


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It's not Abuse, It's Just... DifficultRecognizing Abuse Part 1/3

Ruhama Efron

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I've gone into many synagogue bathrooms and seen notices offering services to women in abusive marriages. And that's beautiful. I am thrilled that abuse is no longer hidden out of sight and out of mind in our communities. The signs say things like: "You don't have to suffer in silence," and "Anonymous" and "Trained professionals."
But why do so many women never reach out for help, despite those signs being up?
I'll tell you why. It's because when women see those signs, they feel sad for those women dealing with abuse, but they rarely think that they are "those women."
So many types of abuse are difficult to recognize—even for the victim. And the number one reason that women stay in abusive marriages is because they don't realize that they are being abused.
Physical abuse may be easy to recognize when your neighbor shows up teary-eyed and bruised. But even some forms of physical abuse can be masked as "losing control," "just an angry outburst," or "an accident."
Besides physical abuse, what other types of abuse are there? Emotional abuse, psychological abuse, sexual abuse, financial abuse, technological abuse (also called cyberbullying or digital abuse), and spiritual abuse (yes, that is a thing).
So these brave and devoted wives tell themselves that although the situation is... well, difficult... at least it's under control. And if he'd work on himself, of course that would be ideal; he's just so stressed out or busy.... Maybe next week, when things calm down, he can think more clearly....And they tell themselves that the problem is really just that:
💔 He has poor anger management skills. (So sometimes he curses at her, but only when he's really angry. It's true that he gets angry more than he used to, but he also used to have fewer responsibilities, and things are very hectic at this stage of life.)
💔 He believes in traditional gender roles. (He has made clear to her, multiple times, that dinner needs to be ready and warm when he gets home, because that is her job.)
💔He has an addiction. (He only pushes her out of the way when he's drunk. Once he punched a wall, but he only meant to scare her, not hurt her.)
💔 As a kid, he wasn't taught how to prioritize. (So sometimes he stays out until 2:00 a.m., except that one time he stayed out all night.)
💔 Men just aren't interested in emotions. (It annoys him when she repeats herself about her feelings. He has said very clearly that he does not want to be her therapist, and that she needs to grow a thicker skin.)
💔 He's a free spirit. He likes to follow his intuition and be spontaneous. (So he dismisses her ideas, gets annoyed when she wants to plan in advance, and then complains that it takes her too long to get ready to go.)
💔 He is very smart. (When she's not sure, he says, "Trust me, I can't explain it all; it would take too long. It's very complicated.")
💔 He's better in social situations. (So he listens to all her phone conversations to make sure she says the right thing, and gives her tips about how to speak with her friends.)
💔 He's better at managing money. (So he tells her not to worry, and gives her a weekly amount for shopping, or a credit card with a credit limit of a few hundred dollars for groceries, and he manages all the rest. But he is very generous and always gives her extra money when she asks.)
💔 He's better at managing the kids. (He tells her again and again that she's not strict enough, and points it out in real-time.)
💔 He's better at time management. (He is always ready on time, and usually gets upset because he has to wait while she finishes with the kids. It's a little hard to go out in the evening at the time that the kids need to go to bed, but she tries her best for the sake of "date night.")
💔 And she is just so busy, she doesn't have time to think! (Running the house for her husband and children is exhausting! He acknowledges that she is very dedicated, and says that most women aren't like her nowadays; that she has a real Neshama; she's a true Eishes Chayil! That no one else has such dedication to her husband and family.)

The next post will explain what makes each of the interactions above abusive. 
If you see yourself or someone you know in this post, please send me a private message. Send me a question, a comment, anything.Because the signs in the bathrooms are right.  You don't have to suffer in silence. 
❤️RuhamaYour Life and Relationship CoachHelping Women in Difficult Relationships Figure Things Out

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